What I didn’t know 20 years ago

Depression is a lying, sneaky mother fucker.

It’s been nearly 20 years since I was diagnosed with depression. This is current flare-up is not the first; nor will it be the last.

Depression is exhausting.

Mentally. It takes an immense amount of strength to focus.

Physically. My body hurts. It feels like I have 1,000 pound boulders shackled to each joint.

Spiritually. Depression lies but it has a big ass megaphone. Deflecting and battling those lies can make a soul weary.

Only this time, I know a few things…

I know it’s not my fault.

I didn’t do something wrong or forget to do something right.

It’s not because I’m a: fuck up; crazy bitch; bad; broken; wrong; stupid; attention-seeking; unbalanced; no hope for; lazy; selfish; etc…

I know NONE of those are true in any measure. 

I am still a beautiful soul in human form. 

I am Divinity itself.

Even if I have to put reminders on post-its around my house to help me remember. (I call them Self Love Notes.)

I know it just is what it is.

Depression. An illness. In my case, a chronic illness. And this is just a flare-up of that illness.

This is not the end.

This is not a damnation.

This is not a punishment.

This is not a lack of faith.

This is not karma.

Depression will tell you it’s all of those things.

Depression lies like a loud-mouthed mother fucker.

I know there is NO SHAME.

None. Zero. Zilch.

There is NO SHAME in having a flare-up of a chronic illness.

There is NO SHAME in a “mental” health crisis. 

There is NO SHAME that this is a – mostly – invisible illness.

There is NO SHAME in a flare-up, even with decades of learning self-care.

There is simply NO SHAME.

I know that – even if takes several hours to get out of bed, showered, dressed, fed, and moving – I’m still embodying Living Invictus.

Because Courage and Strength come in all shapes, sizes, and forms.

Because Being Gentle with yourself is a form Pure Love, Devotion, and Divine Grace.

Because not believing what depression is trying to tell you is a Rebellious Act of Self-Care.

I know that baby steps are still steps.

I may not accomplish everything today. But I still show up.

I may not look my best. But I still show up.

I may not feel my best. But I still show up.

Showing up is best Fuck You to depression.

And sometimes showing up is just answering “What can I do to help myself today?”

I know I love and value myself.

I will not allow depression to talk down to me.

I will not allow negative thoughts and ideas to linger. 

I am not alone.

I know others love and value me.

I know depression will never conquer me.

Living Invictus